As my senior year and 18th birthday approach, I’ve been getting ready to enter the adult world. That’s right, I don’t believe in Santa Claus anymore. My childhood has died, and I’m being reborn into a productive adult member of society. So, I’ve been doing everything I can to prepare. 

Since the economy is wrecked, I’m more than prepared to live in the 2×2 square-foot tenement that I rent with 10 other roommates for the rest of my life. We’ll all be malnourished, so finding space isn’t that big of an issue. This lifestyle will be super romanticized in the future, and everyone will be larping as early 1900s Irish immigrants, so I’ll be living the dream. 

I’ve entrusted my future health to a very credible witch doctor. I see no qualms in seeking out medical advice from someone who diagnoses diseases based on vibes alone, because I’d rather die prematurely at 25 than be the government’s debt serf. My witch doctor gives me lots of helpful advice on how I can best take care of my body. Whether it’s through exposing my body to as many diseases as possible to help build my immune system or getting exorcisms to get rid of feeling sad sometimes, trust me, I’ll be getting the best medical care a college student can get.

Now, my thoughts for the future may sound a little depressing, but there will be plenty of benefits to being an adult. I can get tattoos, but I’ll have to figure out how to cover them up for jobs that pay minimum wage. If I get arrested, I don’t have to worry about going to baby jail; instead, I get to be punished to the full extent of the law and go to big boy prison with all the cool kids. I can also sign up for the military and get to fight in a forever war in the Middle East doesn’t sound like a positive, but I’ll get a military discount, so it’ll be worth it in the end. 

Unfortunately, postgraduation, I’ll have to cut all contact with my fellow Arlington Techies because I sense a resurgence in McCarthyism down the line. I hope you all do very well, and a very minimal number of you have to answer to the American court system for your ties to the communist party. 

Being an adult means I have to grow up and knock off all my childish tomfoolery. But, luckily for me, my brain stopped developing years ago. So, like a reverse vampire, my body is way older than my brain, and I’ll be cool forever. I’ll still do all the adult stuff I just listed, but I’ll just keep eating glue on the side and other shenanigans. For the rest of my life, I’ll pretty much be three kids in a trench coat rolled into one weird adult.