The inevitable has finally happened, I’ve run out of material and will have to hire a ghostwriter. Anyone who wants to be my ghostwriter, hit me up. My work email is: [email protected] (my real email btw).
There aren’t any job application requirements since I know the majority of you don’t know what that is. Just write me an article every other week and make sure you spell my name correctly at the top. I expect you to struggle in comparison to my impeccable satirical works of art, but don’t worry; my expectations are very low, just like your pay.
No, you don’t get to scam your way through this with ChatGPT. All my ideas are my brain babies, conceived entirely naturally, and I’m forcing you to do the same. Luckily, I’m a benevolent master and won’t throw you to the wolves. So I’ll give you a tutorial on how I bring my babies to life.
- First, I draft ideas, most of which will never see the light of day and haunt my dreams from how bad they are. But it’s my cross to bear and a natural consequence of bringing my brain babies into the world. Some of my ideas are lucky enough to evolve and mutate into something actually noteworthy.
- Then I pitch my ideas to a bunch of my friends, and they wonder whether or not I’m having an episode. If they start asking me to draw a clock for them, I know I’ve struck gold.
Then I actually get into the important part and start writing my article. I’m not keeping my article formula a secret, so here:
Intro: Where I introduce some crazy idea that I may or may not have actually done in real life.
Paragraphs: Then I dedicate paragraphs to funny jokes I come up with, and try to expand them as much as possible. I usually write around 4 of these. But I’ll space out sentences in whichever way makes for good comedic timing and emphasis.
Conclusion: I try to cleverly end article, or I just stop midway through because I couldn’t think of-
Some of my articles deviate from this formula, but I know I have a certified banger if I stick to this.
My most important step is to insert some subliminal messaging hidden throughout the text, so you all get brainwashed into thinking things that no sane person could ever believe, like that the moon landing was real, that I’m funny, or that being literate has benefitted you by being able to read this.
- Finally, I write my headline and thumbnail and make sure they’re as clickbaity as possible. I make my thumbnail on either Adobe or Canva, just as I assume all artists do for their albums or youtube videos. I throw in my face somewhere in there, even though every time I put my face in the thumbnail I get an inevitable drop in views, because you all hate me and want me to die.
- Then I let other people edit it and make it legible to the general public. Before finally publishing my masterpiece for the world to see.
Now don’t be misinformed I’m not the next Stephen Glass, my articles are (mostly) fake. My articles are just “healthy” outlets for my love of telling lies and not being held accountable. It’s either this or become a politician.
Hopefully this will sway some of my fellow liars into making use of their evil powers without ruining the country or their social life.