Welcome to the 2026 Met Gala! Home to the best and worst of fashion, this red carpet has been the subject of a mixture of exaltations and humiliation since time immemorial. This year, we’re celebrating fashion as art… supposedly. If I were fashion, I think I would prefer not to be celebrated by some of this year’s looks. Before we get started, though, I’d just like to generally toss all of these people in the shame hole. We do NOT go to events hosted by Jeff Bezos. Bad celebrities. *sprays celebrities with a spray bottle*. Why? Quick rundown of why Bezos and his company (Amazon) are evil: tax avoidance, every horrendous workers’ rights violation known to man (including union busting), environmental destruction, damage to independent businesses, racism, surveillance, human trafficking, and their continued use of suppliers linked to the enslaved Uyghur labor, and other forced labor practices. Also, any of Trump’s multitude of sins because Jeff is a big fan. Of course, despite this disturbing information, and the fact that this event epitomizes pretty much everything wrong with the dumpster 

fire of a country, the Met Gala still gets a lot of publicity. You can find plenty about celebrity drama or the best looks of the evening. But I’m not here to do that. Oh no. These people do not deserve

it. I’m here to roast, baby!

Starting off strong, what in the collapsible frisbee is this?

One of these things.

 This was Rachel Sennott’s look, and it makes me perfectly understand why people hate modern art. Hey, at least she’s upcycling- or at least I think so, because those fabrics look like they belong in a jazzercise tape. Neon pink tights certainly are a statement, but was her designer high? The green strappy heels -especially in an outfit with essentially no other green- combined with two shiny black balls and the aforementioned tights? That is a travesty. Honestly, the entire outfit feels like it can’t agree on a color scheme, type of fabric, the sport it’s portraying, or even whether or not it’s a dress. Speaking of fashion pieces that are ugly and have no identity, that hat. What even is it? It looks like a shiny plastic taco, or like a burnt pancake got thrown on her head. I would have opted to throw a tomato, but to each their own.

Holy nipples, this looks like an orange Spirit Halloween Zendaya costume, but without the artistry or the flesh windows. This is Kim Kardashian, also featuring the wig you found in the back of your closet. I mean, some lovely new blonde hair that doesn’t look like it’s trying to evaporate from her head (someone get this woman a hair mask; it’s an emergency). Who on her (I’m assuming) huge team of stylists lets her go out like that? Did they run out of time? Even just spraying some water would’ve helped a bit, but as it stands, I think there’s more frizz than hair. It IS the heat damage. They are one. I think what really bothers me in this outfit is the plastic belly button. It feels so odd and inhuman. Actually, everything bothers me about this look. The way she looks like she was photoshopped into this outfit, the way it extends up her entire neck. Also, she’s paired her shiny, overpriced mannequin torso with nude heels, nude nails, and nude makeup. *shudder*. If Chicago’s bean was somehow transformed into 1950s pinup art, it would look like this. But orange. Why she chose to be the same color as IRN BRU,

Shoutout to Scotland, home of IRN BRU, the soda that tastes like IRN BRU.

I will never know, but I can say with confidence that it makes me look at my screen the same way she’s looking at the camera. A bit dazed, but mostly “Why? Why does this exist?” which I don’t know either, and “Do I actually have a soul at this point?” to which I have to say, no, Kim, I don’t think so.

I can’t tell if that’s fabric or if she’s got some concerning medical condition that’s making her shoulders look like popcorn, and she just decided to throw some cheap stretch lace on top. This is Cardi B, and somebody please save her, because I think her popcorn shoulders are trying to choke her out. That is the face of overstimulation turned up to the absolute max, or maybe this is what people mean when they say ‘consumerism final boss’. The lace looks like it wants to leave the party almost as much as she does in this photo, because it’s trying to get as far away from her fingers as possible.

Actually, the more I look at her hands, the more confused I get. Is her thumb broken? Why is it so long? This outfit is what would happen if an entire bra drawer were given a human form, with colorful pads, tan spandex, and itchy lace that’s really just for show. I guess her lingerie is out for revenge. Cardi, what have you been doing to your bras that made them hate you this much? Hey, maybe that’s not it. Maybe she just had to get here really fast after having to put on one of those inflatable plane crash vests, and then diving into the middle of a paintball fight. Either way, can someone do a wellness check on her? Or we could just let her ultra-puffed sleeves finish her off.

Did anyone have their tinsel stolen? I found the culprit.

Little medieval history fun fact: In medieval Europe, some monks wore “hairshirts” as a form of penitence. These were made of rough animal fur and were essentially designed to be as much of a sensory nightmare as possible. This is Teyana Taylor, and my question is what she did to need to repent like this. Seriously, this metallic cotton candy must be the itchiest garment known to mankind. The tinseliness is kind of wonderful, and the movement is a chef’s kiss, but I think I would rip my own skin off if someone made me wear this. Also, tinsel is like glitter. It never leaves. She is going to be finding it everywhere for the next…well, forever, really. Honestly, I kind of enjoy this look, despite it looking like Cousin It got a little overzealous with silver spray paint, or a spaghettified Abominable Snowman.

The dress is by Valentino (I think)

This is actually gorgeous, and it fits the theme, but I also can’t look at it for long without feeling deeply, deeply terrified. This is Odessa A’zion, and she looks absolutely STUNNING, but her chest is being held in by thoughts and prayers at this point. Oh, and a veeeery skinny strip of fabric connecting the two flowers. There’s clearly a lot of rococo influences here, and there was an era of French fashion that involved being completely free up top, so maybe this is how she’s bringing that back. If so, I’m here for it, but if that wasn’t a situation she planned for, then she was misled.

I’m shocked, shocked, that she ended the evening not being all… out there. Which is doubly lucky, because once that happens, there’s no putting the toothpaste back in the tube, so to speak.  Also, I would like to quickly note that she did her own hair and makeup (and it looks amazing). I don’t know what kind of dark magic deal she made with Paul Hollywood, but she’s got a miraculous top and blue eyes that are piercing my soul, and I would wish her the best, but she just had to make an appearance at the Met Gala. So unfortunately, I have to hope she gets cursed 🙁 

True to form for the Met Gala, there were plenty of cis men in suits. And suits. And oh look, another suit. And a slightly different bowtie… You see my point. Oh look, a cis guy wearing a- GASP! A BLOUSE! Oh my goodness, he’s broken gender roles! Are those PEARLS?!? Oh, how crazy! How out there! What a big deal. It isn’t as if there are lots of people who present gender nontraditionally every day. It’s not as if those people are mocked, killed, attacked, and erased. It’s not as if he could have made an actual statement on supporting the queer community by simply not going. But he’s queer! That certainly doesn’t make it worse, since it means he’s willing to give money and attention to enemies of his own community. It’s not like the government is currently in the process of trying to strip trans people of all our rights. So yeah. Wear your traditionally feminine clothing. Make sure you’re really performative about it, while we all choke on the irony of you doing that at a BEZOS-FUNDED EVENT, during the most aggressively anti-trans administration in American history. Wow. Innovative. Progressive. How brave.

I’m breaking my own rules here to praise Beyoncé (her outfit, not her). To reference The Good Place, she looked 104% perfect. I AM IN AWE. The bone motif? The hair? The perfect level of dramatic and costume-y without going over the top just to go over the top? The fur? Ok it had some slight bunching issues, but I don’t know how it wouldn’t. But just… look at it. It’s like if a crow could create a dress for the Met Gala, and I mean that in the best way. It was designed by Olivier Rousteing, and it is iconic. What isn’t iconic is that she hosted the event. Her, and Factory-Line Felix (Bezos). Unfortunately, this was her first Met Gala in about a decade. She chose this one? This very, very controversial one? Beyoncé, why would you do this to us?

Of course, no one really wins here, and everyone who attended deserves to be insulted. That’s because this whole event was sponsored and co-hosted by Bezos, everyone’s least favorite perpetrator of environmental destruction, ICE, the absolute joke that is workers’ “rights” in Amazon’s employ, and the slave labor they use to produce goods overseas. Oh yeah, and he also has and continues to give massive financial support to Donald Trump. Who, in a disgusting irony, has been responsible for slashing art funding? These people with their ugly outfits and fake smiles and ICE out pins (while they walk down a red carpet paid for by the man who helped bankroll Trump and his secret police) should be ashamed of themselves. 

If you’re wondering what the Hunger Games photo is here for… well, then you probably haven’t seen the movies or read the books. But just in case my point is escaping you, in the Hunger Games, the elites of the Capitol wear lavish outfits and get outlandish cosmetic modifications, all while ignoring the suffering, death, and poverty of the lower classes- I mean the Districts. They treat the Hunger Games like just that- games. Teenagers are forced to literally fight to the death because they happened to get unlucky in a lottery that offers them scraps of food in exchange for a higher chance of selection. The elites party and laugh and act like it’s all perfectly fine because they’re not being personally affected. It’s as much the story of today as it is the story of the French Revolution, at least as much reality as it is fiction.

My point is, if I say ‘high fashion displays by the ultra-wealthy while innocent people are subjugated to horrendous conditions and constantly disappear and are attacked by a dictatorial government’, can you even tell which one I’m talking about?