I often struggle with not being able to see myself 24/7. Looking at faces other than my own really strains my eyes. I also have so much work to do that one person can’t manage it alone. Between doing schoolwork and going on wacky adventures, I have almost no time for myself. But, by cloning myself, I can solve all of these problems!
My 17 years of life experience have taught me that the world would be a better place if there were more of me in it, which is why I’ve decided to save the world by cloning myself. After all, breaking the laws of nature for my own personal gain is exactly what science was intended for.
My cloning machine is basically just a 3D printer full of my blood, DNA, and some other stuff that I don’t want to talk about. The power of believing hard enough does a lot of the heavy lifting in actually bringing it to life, but science fails to take into account the will of man.
Having a machine with the ability to clone humans would be one of the greatest medical inventions in history, providing the world with organ donations and even potentially the cure to cancer. However my machine isn’t going to do any of that. I don’t want to cure cancer, I want to have my own little freaky clone.
My clone was born fully grown, physically and mentally, speaking immediately after being born. “Why must my existence defy God? Why must I be born?” I mean, what other newborn can say funny catchphrases like that?
Some people may be concerned about possible ethical conundrums caused by bringing my baby into the world. I can assure you that my clone is being treated as humanely as possible for someone who’s arguably not a human being. I keep it on a leash around cars, I feed it twice a day, and it loves being confined to the basement. My little freak doesn’t need to be confused by the outside world and the concept of free will. All he needs is my love.
My slightly uglier and stupider version of myself does all types of tasks for me. Productivity has gone up, and we are twice as efficient as before.
Tasks My Clone Servant Can Do:
-My homework
-Teach himself how to read
-Amuse me by being my own court jester
-Work on cloning himself so he can have a clone servant
-Prevent assassination attempts by eating my food
-Take the fall for my crimes
-Be my foot pedestal
-Listen to me debate whether or not it’s wrong to date your clone
-Figure out how to soft-launch our relationship
-Let me run experiments on him
-Human shield
-Boost my confidence by looking ugly
-Tie my shoes because I never learned how
-Fan me
-Make small talk for me
-Defend my decision to bring him into existence
-Write this article
For now, I have a clone army of one, but one day my clones will infest every position of power in the media and government, and finally, the world will make sense. As long as no one tells my clones what a union is, the world is just a few more atrocities of nature away from greatness.