I’ve decided to abandon all social interactions with humans in favor of solely interacting with the pigeons. 

I’ve always found birds to have this special quality that’s almost parental. Like, maybe they’ll take me in and raise me and read me bedtime stories. Maybe I have a secret bird family searching from the skies above, just waiting to bring me back to the nest. Maybe each bird song I hear is a forgotten lullaby they sang to me as a child, hoping I will remember and their baby will come back to them. “Mommy, Daddy, it’s me, it’s your special boy!” I shout to the birds. 

But finally, my dream has come true! I’ve been adopted by a family of pigeons.

Of course, it’s an informal adoption (we’d rather not go through the lengthy legal process of adoption at this time). 

Many may wonder how this could possibly work. Like, what does my biological family think of the pigeons? Truthfully, their opinion is irrelevant in this conversation. The pigeons are the only parents I ever have known and ever will know. 

Surprisingly, we get along despite the language barrier. We communicate through eye contact alone, being able to instantly recognize over 30 different emotions in one another. Here are a few:

Happy                         Sad

Scared                       Hungry

Judgemental          Bi-curious

The birds understand me in a way that humans never could. We have a connection that transcends biology. The pigeons take good care of me. They feed me twice a day and make sure to take me on plenty of walks. 

I’m actively assimilating into their culture. Ways I become more pigeon-like:

-I’m giving myself a fear of windows by making myself associate windows with pain

-I eat waste and insects

-I steal shiny things from people when they’re not looking

-I allow myself to become domesticated

-I deliver letters 

-I’ve started pollinating plants

-Both male and female pigeons produce milk so I’m making myself milkable

-limiting my life span to 3-6 years

-I carry several fungal diseases 

-I’m training myself to be able to identify cancer (yes, pigeons can do this)

-I keep my cancer-detecting abilities to myself and don’t tell anyone whether or not they have it

-I’m getting experimental cloaca surgery in the fall (Wish me luck!)

-I glue feathers on all areas of my body

-I run in front of cars for no reason

Being owned by pigeons has been a major change in my life, but it’s definitely the right one. I love my pigeon family and their acceptance of my biological human abnormalities. I completely recommend abandoning human society the second things don’t go your way. Though don’t join my pigeon family because we’re full of members, and we wouldn’t be able to fit everyone in the family photo.