I’ve accepted my calling to Catholic monkhood. A monk-shaped hole can finally be filled in my life. This has long been my dream, ever since a month ago when I found out Catholic monks were still a thing.
Am I Catholic? No. But that won’t stop me; monkhood is for all walks of life. Quit gatekeeping.
Why a monk instead of a priest or friar? Do priests and friars frolic around with monks and get up to monk activities? No, they don’t.
Despite unsupportive people in my life claiming I’m doing this as an excuse to be single, unemployed, or to hide the fact I’m exhibiting signs of male pattern baldness at seventeen, THEY ARE WRONG! I love the monks, and they love me, and I’m joining so I can be surrounded by like-minded individuals who love and support my monk-liness. In fact, I sent out an application to become a monk that I found on a monk website. They responded, and they totally want me.
To become a monk, my next steps are to make several visits to the monastery, and then I can apply to become a postulant. After being approved, I get to live with the monks full-time. Then, after a certain amount of time, ranging from 3 months to 2 years, I can apply to become a novice. Then, I’ll continue to rise through the ranks and become a juniorate, before finally being given my monkly vows. So, unfortunately, I’ll have to wait several years before truly reaching monk status.
Monk Application Guidelines, (real requirements btw):
-Baptismal certificate
-Confirmation certificate
-Birth certificate
-My parents’ marriage certificate (to make sure I wasn’t born out of wedlock)
-Letter from my parents (to make sure they aren’t financially dependent on me)
-High school/college transcripts
-Physical examination
-Psychological evaluation
-Background check
-3 letters of recommendation
-5 references
But I really don’t want to go through the lengthy application and years of rising through the ranks to become a monk. So I’m currently playing hard to get. The monks sent me yet another email asking me to join the monastery. (They want me so bad.) If I act nonchalant enough, I’m sure they’ll make an exception for someone as destined for monkhood as I am.
The monastery is located all the way in Illinois (I couldn’t find any application forms in closer states). As a monk, I have given up worldly possessions such as a driver’s license, so I am in need of transportation to help me in my pilgrimage. I plan on walking and hitch-hiking my way to my monk brethren, unless any volunteers kindly offer to transport me to Illinois. I will greatly appreciate any help and will be sure to repay your generosity with blessings from the monks.
I am not alone in my monk journey. I took the initiative to sign up other monk-ready applicants, such as Dr. Gray. I can tell they, too, yearn for the monastery, despite how much they deny it. Dr. Gray, you no longer have to repress your inner monkness; we monks accept you completely.
Monk Application site for fellow monks: (scroll down to bottom)