I finally have decided to use my psychic abilities for good! Hopefully my prophecies will benefit ACC and help us prepare for 2026. Some may doubt my abilities, but with the help of a magic 8 ball, my many predictions are guaranteed to come true.
My 2026 Predictions:
– JD Vance’s eyeliner will progressively get bigger and bigger, until it takes up the majority of his face. He will continue to vehemently deny he wears any.
– Florida will be eradicated after being hit by 50 different hurricanes. We’ll run out of names for them and have to resort to making new ones up. Hurricane 0Uddbj()#*d&)(nj is coming.
– New cults will pop up, claiming Grok AI is the second coming of Christ.
– After the new Animal Farm movie comes out, the rest of the decade will see a surge in adapting dystopian novels into weird, animated comedy movies. We’ll get brainrotted kids movie adaptations of 1984, The Parable of the Sower, and The Handmaid’s Tale.
– Every job will be replaced by AI, no matter if it makes sense. We will have AI firefighters.
– New world maps will be installed in all public schools. Each country will be rated based on the amount of oil it contains to teach children what really matters.
– The United States will declare war on some country at some point (IDK which one, maybe all of them). Then we’ll just pretend we were joking after realizing how undraftable everyone is.
– The cure for a terrible disease will be discovered, but the FDA won’t approve it for, like, 20 years.
– The government will ban the wearing of fedoras. This will be the only law passed that will benefit society.
– A bunch of new states will be invented to sway elections. Nobody asked for any of these states. Puerto Rico won’t even be considered for statehood, and will remain a territory for the rest of time.
– WW3 will almost happen again.
– The Neurolink brain chip will finally come out, and after it gets recalled, it will be remarketed as a lobotomy chip. It will make billions.
– We figure out how to solve world hunger, but never actually do it because Elon Musk will go back on his word again and won’t fund it.
– The world will be proven to actually be flat because global warming melts the great ice wall, so all the ocean water spills out into space.
– Quibble, for some reason, becomes a really common word and everyone uses it all the time for every single sentence, because it’s such a super cool and awesome word.
– Ozempic prices will skyrocket, leading consumers to just switch over to Heroin.
– A new basketball league for short people will be announced.
– PETA will break into the Smithsonian Natural Museum of History to free the dinosaur bones because animals shouldn’t be on display for public spectacle, no matter how dead they are.
– All three Abrahamic religions join together to make one super religion.
– The words “six” and “seven” are banned from the English lexicon when used in immediate sequential order.
– Charlie Kirk returns.
I am not responsible for any of my predictions coming true. Have a great 2026, Archers!