Being performative is harder than ever before. Those who drink Matcha while reading feminist literature have become an oppressed group in society. People who want to pretend to have hobbies now have to go out of their way to keep up the act, or else face social backlash.

Now, the performative community must look for new ways to seem interesting. Being performative is harder than you may think; it takes a lot of time and practice to make everything you do seem genuine. But how does one even know what ways they can be performative? By taking inspiration from the ultimate master of being performative. 

As someone who makes articles dedicated to “telling the definite truth all of the time,” I’m basically an expert. Here are some ways I’m performative in my everyday life:

• Sometimes, I don’t have time to go to a coffee shop before school, so I just take a plastic cup and mix water with green paint or something, so it looks like Matcha.
• I try to carry around books everywhere and read them wherever I go. I just pretend to read. I have no idea what these books are about. They could be written in Russian, and I’d have no clue. Some of them could even be blank; I’ve never checked.
• I pretend to be one of those people who have pets. I find hairs on the street and decorate my clothes with them, so it looks like I have a dog, a cat, or some kinda furry goldfish. When people ask me about it, I go on and on about some pretend dog I have. I’ll even show them some photos of random dogs I find on the internet.

• I glued strings to my AirPods to make them look wired. Listening to Clairo without wired headphones is like eating cereal with a fork.
• I type really quickly for long periods of time on my computer in public spaces. Everyone around me thinks I’m so smart and has so many interesting thoughts to say. Everything I’ve written is complete gibberish,such as my most recent work: jiqwegifgweifgwbbqcfwedbawuo
• I also pretend to be really into movies. I just read the synopsis and sometimes the Wikipedia page for spoilers. Then I put it on my letterbox and brag about how cultured I am. The more niche the movie is, the better. Small indie movies fit the best. And I’ll bring up the movie any chance I can in conversation, and judge the person if they haven’t seen it.
• I bring an old camera around and do random poses so it looks like I’m taking pictures of stuff. I don’t even take off the lens cap. I’m not sure how to actually take a photo on it, but it’s too late to ask. 
• I take soda cans and other beverage bottles, and I carry the drink everywhere. I really make sure you notice it. It’s one of my favorite props; I’m always shaking it and carrying it everywhere. It looks like I’m being so interesting by drinking all these fun drinks, but really, it’s just some empty can the whole time. 
• When I need an extra amount of attention, I’ll wear a cast or put Band-Aids on to look like I’m hurt. I’ll make up a story about how I got injured playing a sport I don’t play or about saving puppies from a fire. 
• I wear glasses and pretend I’m practically blind without them. I’ve got 20/20 vision. 
• I’ll carry around a phone and pretend I’m having some crazy conversation with someone. I walk around in public speaking really loudly so everyone knows how interesting my relationships are. Half the time, my phone is dead, or I’m calling a random person with dementia, who has no idea what’s going on.
• I tell people it’s my birthday when it’s not. I’ve told people at least 15 different dates.

Feel free to take inspiration from my performance art. And follow in my footsteps of perfecting the art of pretending to not be a loser.