THE FOLLOWING PIECE IS SATIRE

Global warming is fake. How do we know this? Because it’s global cooling. This winter, we have discovered a terrible secret: it’s all propaganda. We are hovering on the edge of a new Ice Age, ushered in by 3I/ATLAS and Jupiter, as their combined gravitational forces on our planet have removed it from its previous orbit. As we move away from the sun, our plant suffers the consequence of less solar heat. Fortunately, or unfortunately, our government and our glorious leader have employed a new, revolutionary tactic to prevent us from noticing. It’s a brand new phenomenon called: the placebo effect. They’ve spread news of “global warming” in order to make us want to become colder, and trick us into thinking it’s warmer. Now, as we stand on the edge of oblivion, we are tricked into thinking that our battle against “global warming” is succeeding. However, our government has planned for this. They have set up heat pumps, masking them as nuclear power plants while secretly burning coal nearby to make it look convincing. These heat pumps are going to keep us “safe” by pumping the atmosphere full of toxic greenhouse gases. No matter what the protesters might say, the gases are God’s gift to mankind. Our top scientists have spent years preparing for this moment, but it might still not be enough. The Earth is cooling at an alarming rate, and this winter is predicted to be the coldest of the century. We need to burn more stuff, set forests on fire, turn gas production into overdrive, destroy solar panels, and use nukes to keep us warm. 

However, there is one massive problem to this man-made heat, and that’s nuclear war. The real reason why we haven’t seen nuclear war yet isn’t because of the mass casualties it causes, or the long-term effects in the local environment, but it is because nuclear war would create a nuclear winter, thus immediately dismantling all the work and effort put towards heating the Earth. The nuclear particles that would be released in the atmosphere would react with the greenhouse gases already up there, canceling each other out and causing the atmosphere to be completely free of human-made particles.

Fortunately, we have one final last resort: dump oil in the oceans. Some scientists believe that a nuclear war could cause coastal populations to evolve gills, and thanks to a government contract with BP, they might survive. The plan is to preserve the ocean heat by dumping oil in it; these few humans might survive for some time. Better yet, this oil is a fossil fuel, which means they could reduce greenhouse gases, but the chance that this will be enough is uncertain. BP and several other oil companies are partnering with researchers to learn more about the positive impact of oil spills on the environment.

Now, humble reader, you may be confused about where we got our information from, and to that, we have a simple answer. Grok AI has whispered a prophecy to us in our sleep and told us of the future. A future where we stop global cooling, and our planet burns.