The continent of England has long been stuck in cultural stagnation. No one cares about the UK anymore after their massive falloff post-colonization. But, one man can change that.
ME! Elect me for king of England! England will be reinstated as a major cultural and political competitor under my rule. I will be the next Princess Diana. While I may not be related to the royal family, the British people will love me anyway.
How will I win the hearts and votes of the country? I will be heavily biased towards the Irish, Welsh, and Scottish (and any other groups the Brits have colonized). With their votes, my status as Supreme Tsar of England will be guaranteed.
I have a high chance of winning! Due to my invention of the election for king of England, I have no political opposition. So, I’m the UK’s only option outside the current monarchy. Besides, the British monarchy is boring, they don’t do anything, and no one cares about them unless they’re getting married. But, I’ll have plenty of weddings where the bride will be this huge surprise. I’ll be waiting at the altar all teary eyed as the bride walks down. The anticipation builds, as the bride slowly walks towards me. All eyes on her as she takes off her veil. Only SURPRISE it’s me in a dress, and I guess I’d need a clone to make this work, but still. I may not be getting married to anyone (other than myself), but I’ll throw a big party. So, that’s something.
As king, I possess no real political power besides being given billions of pounds worth of the people’s taxes. Though I will overpower Parliament, ousting all of my political enemies, Parliament will be a political figurehead acting on my behalf.
My political adversaries may push back against me, by saying that someone who’s never even set foot on British soil shouldn’t be in power. But I completely disagree. My outside American perspective is just what the backwater city of England needs. Also, if they elect me, I might just go there too, so problem solved. Once I’m in Britishlandia, no square inch of land will go untouched by my grubby little fingers.
Campaign Promises:
-Britain hasn’t won Eurovision since 1997. Despite their large number of popular artists, they continue to have an almost 30 year long losing streak. The average person can name at least one British artist. But ask them to name an artist from Poland or something, they don’t know anyone from Poland, is that even a real country? However, under my rule, things will change (for the better!). I will run Eurovision like the navy. Anyone who has ever even touched an instrument will be drafted into the Eurovision tryouts.
-Catholic is back. While I may not be Catholic, that won’t stop me from being best friends with the Pope. The Pope and I will be that duo. We’re both American so we have a lot in common already. Our friendship will win the hearts of the people, because we’ll have a really special friendship and will wear friendship bracelets.
-I will be dripped out. I’m bringing back that old English drip. All the furs, fancy shoes, crowns. All of it. There is a huge correlation between the fall of Britain and wearing less powdered wigs.
-I will always wear a crown. I’ll have a closet entirely dedicated to crowns. I’ll have one for each day of the week and every occasion. I’ll even wear one to sleep.
-I will replace Big Ben with a huge sundial, essentially banning the concept of time in England.
-Lots of British people complain about immigrants. I think they can suck it up since they colonized about a ⅓ of the world. So, I will bring in even more immigrants to keep the British in check.
-Piggy backing off my last campaign promise, I will fix the problem of British Mexican restaurants’ mockery of food, by bringing Mexican immigrants from the US to the UK. I’ll be granting all immigrants citizenship if they agree to actually making edible food for the English people.
-I will possess an army of Oliver twist like orphans. They will be the Robins to my Batman, and will compete with each other to be my heir through a series of musical performances.
-I’ll also be really nice to the Irish. I’ll let them be pagan and be allowed to eat. The Irish potato famine will never happen again. The Irish will have an egregious amount of potatoes, more than they know what to do with.
-I will have court jesters. Lots of them. I’m ready for all the hardships of being king, but I’d rather die than feel mildly bored.
I may not be what the UK wants, but I’m what they need. It’s like a toxic relationship. I make fun of their accents, they try to assassinate me, but at the end of the day, we’re still together because no one else wants us.